You won’t believe what’s being whispered in those pews.

You won’t believe what’s being whispered in those pews.

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What is it about Southern weddings that turns all the wedding guests into color commentators—in appropriately hushed tones, of course. Sit on a church pew with Mama’n’em, and you’ll hear a running commentary from the moment the organist begins the prelude until the happy couple ride off in their limo, horse-drawn carriage . . . camo four-wheeler (you never can tell in the South). So if you’re looking for things to say at a wedding in the South, you’ve come to the right place.

For starters, regardless of the venue or the bride and groom’s religious persuasion, you can count on remarks like this:

“Oh, loooooooook! Isn’t that little flower girl just precious?”

“The program says the ring bearer is ‘nephew of the groom,’ but the mother of the bride told me he’s really the groom’s second cousin’s oldest sister's youngest boy. They just thought that might sound complicated.”

“I guess the young people have their own kind of wedding music, but I miss ‘O Promise Me’ and ‘Whither Thou Goest.’”

“Mercy, that wedding party’s as big as our choir.”

Who did the flowers?”

"Who did the reception?

“Are they STILL taking pictures?”

“When are they cutting the cake?”

If it’s a fall wedding, this happens:

"This service is wayyyyyyy tooooooo looooooonnnnnng. If we’re gonna catch the kickoff, they need to light a fire under it."

"If they don’t wrap this thing up pretty soon, the ceremony’s gonna last longer than the marriage. What time’s the Georgia game?"

Some of the exchanges coming from the pew behind you might sound a tad on the biting side (including whispers about the choice of a white dress for, say, a bride making her fourth trip to the altar):

“I heard the groom didn’t want a church wedding.”
“All I can say is he definitely married up.”

“The ink on her divorce papers is barely dry . . .”
“And there she is ready to say ‘I do’ to another winner. Bless her heart.”

“Isn’t her gown the same one I tried on at David’s Bridal?”
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You cannot wear a strapless without the proper foundation garments. See for yourself.”

Other wedding chatter is more lighthearted:

“Is this a Baptist wedding or can we drink?”
“If you get caught with a flask, I'll swear I don't know you.”

“Reckon how much they spent on this wedding?”
“An Orange Beach condo.”

“Her Mama says the bridesmaids are wearing a new color called ‘sable.’”
“Didn’t we used to call that brown?”

“Oh, dear. That hairdo . . .”
“Looks like there’s been a run on Aqua Net.”

“He went to Jared.”
“Lordy, Ruthann, you made that joke twice already. Let. It. GO.”

Mama'n'em can get bossy at a wedding:

“The best man needs to take his hands out of his pockets.”

“That music belongs in a honkytonk. This is First Presbyterian, not the Dew Drop.”

“Please tell me the bride’s not really barefooted underneath that $5,000 ballgown!”

When it’s all said and done, of course, we get downright sappy about watching a couple tie the knot:

“I heard she tucked her PawPaw’s handkerchief under her garter for ‘something old.’”
“That is so SWEET! Quick—hand me a Kleenex. I’m fixin’ to tear up.”

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