Study Reveals What You'll Name Your New Houseplant in 2022

Hint: It isn’t Liam, Vlad, Kanye, or Moon Unit.

Indoor Container Houseplant: 1. 'Red Dragon' philodendron 2. 'Vittata' oyster plant (Tradescantia spathacea) 3. peperomia
Photo: David Hillegas; Styling: Stacy Allen

What do the lead singer of Queen, a homeowner in Bedrock, the host of TV's most famous neighborhood, and your new houseplant have in common? Well, according to a recent survey by craftjack.com, they're likely to share the same first name. Fred.

That's right. More than a thousand people across the country were asked to assess which name best expresses the personality of their favorite, greenhouse buddy and "Fred" topped the list. It's easy to see why. "Fred" sounds dependable and easy-going, a plant that will be with you through thick and thin and never put its wants before yours.

"George" ranks as the second most popular houseplant name for many of the same reasons. However, it carries a little more weight. After all, there have been kings, princes, and Presidents named George. Oh sure, you can point out Frederick the Great in an effort to bolster Fred, but no one ever addressed him as "Fred," except for the cook who was executed.

The first female name to make the list is "Karen." It comes in at #7. Why so low? No one likes a houseplant that criticizes everything you do. I don't need a spider plant asking, "So, you're really going out dressed like that?"

More Revelations

You may think your Venus's flytrap is pretty cool, but the new rankings say it's lame. The top ten:

  1. Any miscellaneous succulent (doesn't need much water, fertilizer, or other care)
  2. Aloe vera aka "burn plant" (also a succulent – juice from its leaves relieves pain from burns and is added to soaps, shampoos, moisturizers, lotions, sunscreens, and salsas)
  3. Cactus (also a succulent, but with spines)
  4. Snake plant (also a succulent – notice a pattern here?)
  5. Spider plant (NOT a succulent; also not a spider)
  6. Pothos (trailing plant that climbs if you let it)
  7. Fern (drops leaflets all over the floor and is subsequently trashed)
  8. Lucky bamboo (not a bamboo and for that you're lucky)
  9. Philodendron (resembles pothos in foliage and habit)
  10. Jade plant (wow – another succulent!)

How do these faves shake out by generation? The top three for millennials are aloe, snake plant, and pothos. Makes sense – these are easy beginner plants that do well in apartments. Boomers opt for cactus, spider plant, and fern. They don't have to worry about toddlers putting their eyes out running into a cactus. Gen-Yers overwhelmingly prefer cannabis, provided they have a basement. (Nah, I just made that up.)

Houseplants Are the New Kids

Current birth rates greatly concern demographers. In most developed countries, they're so low that births don't even equal deaths. This is bad news for burger chains, daycares, and makers of disposable wipes. What is the root cause? Houseplants. According to the study, "61 percent of people under 40 agree 'pets are the new kids and plants are the new pets.' One in three members of this new generation consider themselves a 'plant parent.' Thirty-five percent who are single also say that if a potential mate has houseplants, it's a turn-on [Duh!], and of those who are already hitched but putting off having kids, one in three say having houseplants helps them wait."

Conclusion – If you're frustrated, would-be grandparents, remove ALL houseplants from your kid's apartment.

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