Americans are feeling desperate and depressed, forced to choose between two Presidential candidates that polls say most of them do not like. But we need not hide in bunkers for the next four years nor hold our noses as we vote. There is one person that all good citizens can rally around to make this country "Party Central" once more. Me. Grumpy humbly asks for your write-in vote for President this coming Election Day.

Now I know that most of Grumpy's fans admire and trust me so much that they need no incentive nor further information to do what I suggest. However, for new readers or those who feel honor-bound to do due diligence, let me list of the major problems facing America today and what I'd do to solve them.

Taxes -- Taxes are way too high. They rob working stiffs of the resources needed to raise families and realize the American Dream. Therefore, the first thing I will do as your President is abolish all taxes on beer, wine, and liquor. This will spur consumption, jump-start our economy, and create jobs. Now that's my idea of party politics!

emKeith Stone is on board with Grumpy! So smooth, always! Photo: Hudson/

Illegal Immigration -- The invasion of this country by plants from foreign countries, such as Chinese privet, Japanese honeysuckle, Canada thistle, Norway maple, Brazilian pepper, and English ivy, is ruining our countryside and crowding out native plants that were already here when the Pilgrims landed. Therefore, I will immediately act to eradicate ALL alien plants from our country and ban their future importation. Unfortunately, this will require the elimination of non-native peaches, plums, pears, cherries, citrus, tomatoes, potatoes, wheat, rice, soybeans, walnuts, almonds, cotton, sugar cane, azaleas, camellias, gardenias, crepe myrtles, boxwood, impatiens, hostas, daffodils, tulips, and countless other familiar plants. But ever-resilient Americans will adjust!

emItalian tomatoes in America? I don't think so! Photo: Steve Bender/em

Health Care Reform -- Health care is this country is much too expensive and still not accessible to all. People flood hospital emergency rooms complaining of heart attacks, severed limbs, flesh-eating bacteria, Ebola, and other ailments that could readily be treated with warm chicken soup at home. Now I'm sure you've heard the old adage, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." It's as true now as it was then. And it and costs a lot less than sharing a hospital with some loser whose obnoxious family is always visiting. Under Grumpycare, we'll eliminate wasteful hospital care and medicines by supplying every American with an apple every day. If there's a particular variety of apple you like, you'll be allowed to keep it. This will save billions! It'll be YUGE!

emJust one apple a day chases doctor bills away. Photo: Steve Bender/em

Cybersecurity -- So many misguided folks have traded rotary phones, decoder rings, hand-written letters, and rabbit-ears TV's for smart phones, cable, email, and computers that their vital personal information has never been at greater risk. Did your grandfather ever get hacked? No. Did Abe Lincoln have his identity stolen? No. Under my new cybersecurity plan, Grumpynet, the secret information of government, military, banks, and individuals will be protected just as Abe and your grandfather did. Paper notebooks covered with illegible scribbling will be stuffed into misidentified cardboard boxes and stored in gigantic, moldy stacks inside old, decrepit warehouses. Trust me, no one will ever find what they're looking for.

emGrumpynet's impenetrable, secret vault where secrets go to die. Photo: Andrew Alexander/em

National Defense -- Nothing is more important to Grumpy than safeguarding the security of the motherland. A steady but ready hand is required when the ultimate fate of our country and the world is on the line. Some of my critics have asked, "If the decision is made to 'go,' does Grumpy have what it takes to push the button?"

emThe Doomsday Device./em

Absolutely. That's how I turn on my TV.