People generally abhor rodents, but I'll venture to guess you love chipmunks. Six to 12 inches long from nose to tip of fluffy tail, striped, puffy cheeks, and big, shiny eyes -- why, they're so cute! Every child should experience chipmunks scampering across the ground, robbing bird-feeders, and providing necessary protein for pet cats, but sadly, many do not. And that is why Grumpy is extending this once-in-a-lifetime offer. It's Grumpy's Chipmunk Giveaway!

I am offering you prime breeding stock -- males, females, ambiguous gender -- of our all-too-common Eastern chipmunk (Tamia striatus) to get your nature park started. All you'll need is a plot of ground that contains soil, garden beds, rocks, or woods. Unlike their fellow rodents, squirrels, chipmunks don't nest in trees (although they climb them quite easily -- an amusing sight!), but build extensive burrows in the ground, each with several entry holes. They built so many burrows under Grumpy's row of camellias that his camellias began to sink! Now you know why he loves them so.

Chipmunks enjoy a varied diet. You'll want to provide a heathful and nutritious mix of acorns, peanuts, sunflower seeds, flower bulbs you just planted, dried raisins and cranberries, truffles, shiitake mushrooms, Beluga caviar, escargot, insects, and worms. Nuts and seeds may be cached in the burrow for winter, but always serve caviar on a cracker. Your attention to detail will be most appreciated.

You'll notice this when chipmunks wake up in the morning and start singing. They'll sing and sing and sing! The song usually consists of a sharp, loud chirp that at first you'll mistake for a bird. But it will continue at a precise interval, pitch, and insufferable amplitude for nearly as long as it takes to get service from your cable provider. Females are especially vocal when they desire to breed -- so much like people! -- and project a staccato series of deafening chirps that make you want to want to take ice picks to your ears. A concussion grenade usually shuts her up, however.

So how can you procure your starter pack of delightful Eastern chipmunks? Bring your cat to Grumpy's yard and stake out a burrow. Cats don't kill chipmunks right away -- they like to play first -- and that's your chance to seize these little, unharmed bundles of joy, plop them into a shoebox equipped with air holes, caviar, and crackers, and drive away. Hopefully, very far away.

Don't wait! If winter ever comes this year, chipmunks will shelter in their burrows munching a truffle or two until spring arrives and it's once again time to dig, and chirp, and annoy.


Take advantage of this special opportunity to bring the Joy of Chipmunks to your home! It's Grumpy's gift to you.