May I Interest You In Pumpkin Toothpaste?
Spice up your life this Halloween in 10 ridiculous ways.
This is that fabled time of year when people abandon all common sense to flavor every conceivable product with pumpkin spice. I'm not talking about pumpkin bread, pumpkin ale, or roasted pumpkin seeds here. Apparently, if you can conceive it, if you believe it, you can stomach anything that tastes like pumpkin. The following 10 bizarre products actually exist. Get them while supplies last!
1. Pumpkin Spice Toothpaste
But of course! Why leave your mouth with a fresh, minty flavor three times a day when you can be tasting nutmeg, clove, and cinnamon for hours? Plus, there's nothing more attractive than a bright orange smile.
2. Pumpkin Spice Bacon
Brilliant! The smell of sizzling bacon makes everyone's mouth water. Now combine it with pumpkin pie, the smell of which has been scientifically proven to make men randy. Those crisp fall mornings will heat up quickly.
3. Pumpkin Spice Vodka
Yes, yes, yes! For too long, distillers have foisted the insidious notion upon vodka consumers that they should pony up big bucks for a spirit that tastes like nothing. Pumpkin spice it up! Have you enjoyed a Pumpkin-tini today? It's five o'clock somewhere!
4. Pumpkin Pizza
I don't know about you, but adding tomatoes, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and pepperoni to every single pizza just bores me. What could we substitute for an enticing change of pace? I know. Pumpkin!
5. Pumpkin BBQ Sauce
I'm also bored with the age-old argument of tomato-based sauce versus vinegar-based sauce. Those can't be the only two ingredients you can brush on BBQ to get the full autumn BBQ experience. For example, brush on some pumpkin – preferably while you're watching college football involving Tennessee, Clemson, Florida, Auburn, Miami, Syracuse, or Texas.
WATCH: How to Make Mini Pumpkin Spice Bites
6. Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt
This makes so much sense. Greek yogurt provides beaucoup protein with no fat. Now add copious beta-carotene from pumpkin. Socrates would have approved.
7. Pumpkin Spice JELL-O
Sooner or later, you're going to be invited to an autumn potluck. The last thing you want to show up with is something somebody else has already brought. Pumpkin spice congealed salad is the ticket! Of course, after the host tastes it, it may become a concealed salad.
8. Pumpkin Milk
You never outgrow your need for pumpkin milk! Nutritionists recommend three glasses a day until the whites of your eyes turn orange and scare the children.
9. Pumpkin Spice Hand and Body Lotion
It's a fact. Autumn's crisp air dries your skin. Solution? Slather on lotion that makes you smell like pumpkin pie all day. Remember what I said about men getting randy? Cautionary note to ladies – do not do this before church.
10. Pumpkin Spice Lipstick
Why? As Hall and Oates so ably expressed it years ago, "Because your kiss, your kiss, is on my list. Because your kiss, your kiss, I can't resist. Because your kiss is what I miss when I turn out the light." And no, pumpkin lipstick doesn't to be orange. But it should be.