Each product we feature has been independently selected and reviewed by our editorial team. If you make a purchase using the links included, we may earn commission.
Yes, that's my bodyguard. Photo: Ansel Adams

With only two weeks to go until your favorite day to shower Grumpy with gifts, Grumpy has more outstanding garden gift ideas for you to bestow on your loved ones. Get your credit card ready!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my Grumpy gave to me.....

emPhoto: Sky Mall/em

.....gorgeous fake topiaries for your porch! Folks, gardening doesn't get much better than this. Made of the choicest polyethylene and available in a number of shapes, these are the perfect accents for your front door. They never need watering, fertilizing, spraying, or pruning. And unless you get closer than 20 feet or accidentally touch them, you'll never know they're fake. Why waste hard-earned cash on real plants that need minutes of attention each year when you can enjoy fake topiaries that dead people can care for? Only $79.99 to $199.99 from Sky Mall.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my Grumpy gave to me.....

emPhoto: Steve Bender/em

.....a totally excellent book showing beginners how to combine houseplants and put together 50 different planters. It's called Plant By Numbers and is written by tropical and foliage plant enthusiast, Steve Asbell, who lives in Jacksonville, Florida. What a great concept. Using a variety of containers available at home and garden centers, Steve gives you 50 easy recipes for combining plants and shows you exactly where to place each one. He chooses plants that not only look great together, but also grow great together, so the planters will last. And get this -- the paperback version is available from amazon.com for only $2.93! You can afford one for every gardener you've ever met.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Grumpy gave to me.....

emPhoto: Ward Cleaver/em

.....lessons on how to achieve a long, happy marriage. Guys, do your wives talk back? Fail to laugh at your hilarious jokes? Disagree with you in front of others? Complain you watch too much football? Forget to vacuum on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday? Leave the toilet seat down?

Do not despair! You are not alone! Many women today fail to adequately perform their marital duties. It's not because they don't want to. It's because they haven't received proper instruction. This free training booklet from the Committee for a Better America will help. Just five easy lessons will teach her how to love, honor, and obey. Don't wait! Marital bliss is just around the corner!