"Gobbler, gobble, gobble!" No, that's not the sound of a turkey. That's the sound of your family scarfing down enough turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, yeast rolls, and pecan pie to fill the Sugar Bowl. To make your celebration even more memorable this year, Grumpy offers the following tips.

Try to get invited to someone else's house for Thanksgiving dinner. This way, they'll be suffering the nervous breakdown during the three-day marathon preparing the meal. You, on the other hand, can get by bringing only a side dish that you bought at Publix. As an alternative, bring two bottles of wine -- one for the cook so she won't murder all of you, and one for you so you can stand the presence of all those screaming kids.

If you're bringing the appetizer, think local, think sustainable. Chipmunk or squirrel satay is a lovely way to begin the meal, accompanied by a fine wine such as this.


I like my red moscato over ice with a squeeze of lemon.

Avoid all talk of the recent election. The new head of your garden club deserves your support. Backbiting between glasses of moscato is unseemly.

Do not watch football while seated around the dinner table. This is rude! Take your plate to another room that has a big screen, so you won't disturb others.

After the meal, say, "Hey, everybody, let's help clear the table." Slip away to the porch during all the hubbub until the job is done.

Count on your wingman to call with an "emergency" when you're tired of people and ready to leave. Hopefully, you'll have set up a time beforehand. Hurry out the door before someone suggests having Thanksgiving dinner at your house next year.