50 Golden Rules of Gardening

For the better part of a half-century, Grumpy has been selflessly and accurately answering all of your garden questions, no matter how complex or elementary. The reason I do this, dear reader, is to convince you that by building on little successes, you'll see that gardening is the most gratifying of all human endeavors.

Thus, I am exceedingly perturbed when people say, "Gardening is too hard. There is so much to learn. I just know if I plant something, I'll kill it."

Of course you will! Everyone who has ever gardened since Adam and Eve has killed a plant. That's how we figure out what works and what doesn't.

So in this spirit of learning by doing, Grumpy hereby presents his "50 Golden Rules of Gardening."

If someone offers this service, smear him with chicken grease and give him five minutes alone with your pet gator. Topping—cutting off the tops—ruins trees forever and serves only to pad the perp’s wallet. Tree toppers prey on the elderly, so don’t let your parents get taken, either.

If you wait until summer or fall, you’ll cut off a lot of the flowerbuds for next year. Examples: forsythia, azalea, quince, spiraea, lilac, and Japanese magnolias.

Southerners cannot get enough of okra. Plant four plants for every family member. Add one for each pet. Add two for every relative whose first name is actually two names.

You should prune your crepe myrtle like you prune your dogwood—in other words, just about never. The older it gets, the less pruning it will need.

Grumpy heartily recommends ‘Acoma’ (white, 6 to 10 feet), ‘Catawba’ (deep purple, 12 to 15 feet), ‘Near East’ (light pink, 10 to 15 feet), ‘Pink Velour’ (neon pink, 10 to 12 feet), ‘Siren Red’ (dark red, 8 to 10 feet), ‘Velma’s Royal Delight' (bright purple, 4 to 6 feet), and ‘Zuni’ (medium laven- der, 6 to 10 feet).

Unless, that is, you enjoy fishing crepe myrtle flowers from the water every 45 seconds. Other messy trees to avoid include river birch, mulberry, hackberry, sweet gum, chinaberry, mimosa, and camphor tree. Good trees for the perimeter of a pool include palm, live oak, banana, juniper, holly, and Japanese maple.

So how do you know when to water? Examine your plants first thing in the morning when it’s cooler. If they’re wilted, water.

The second most common reason is parking your RV on them. Park on the blacktop.

Its flowers smell like tuna, it explodes in the wind, and its thorny seedlings come up just about everywhere. Instead, plant easy, well-behaved flowering trees like chaste tree, Chinese fringe, Carolina silver bell, serviceberry, crabapple, flowering cherry, and star and saucer magnolias.

Give them a flat of rampaging mint to plant in their garden. Soon it will be sprouting in their foyer and taking over the goldfish bowl. Before you do this, though, make sure your houses are separated by at minimum an interstate and preferably an ocean.

It's not failure–it's an opportunity. Think of it as the Big Guy looking down on your garden and saying, "Oh, you're going to grow that again? Here, let me kill it so you can try something new and more interesting."

If they say they’re going to prune your trees, assume they will do so in the ugliest way possible—though they generally wreak less destruction if you’re there as a witness.

Among the best plants for attracting them to your garden are butterfly bush, butterfly weed, zinnia, lantana, bee balm, marigold, salvia, Joe-Pye weed, purple coneflower, pentas, blazing star, firebush, Mexican sunflower, and glossy abelia. Don’t forget host plants for butterfly larvae to eat, such as dill, fennel, parsley, and passion vine.

Tattoo this onto your forearm so that you’ll remember. Always.

For color in shade, try these perennials: hosta, heuchera, Lenten rose, hardy begonia, variegated Solomon’s seal, Japanese anemone, toad lily, lungwort, and ferns.

Make it the focal point of your garden. It will die immediately.

Lawns mowed tall are less stressed by heat and drought, build more extensive root systems, and need less water and fertilizer.

People often ask me for a recommendation. My first thought is Japanese maple; it’s my second thought too.

For partial sun or light shade, choose leafy greens, such as lettuce, mustard, and spinach.

It’s also great for birthdays and anniversaries.

So either mulch the area or plant a shade-loving ground cover, like Japanese pachysandra, mondo grass, evergreen ferns, or moss.

Assume that if the plant tag says it grows 6 feet tall, it will grow twice that big in your yard. Many homes in the suburbs have been lost forever to shrubs planted from 1-gallon pots that grew as big as Stone Mountain.

Start with plants that are naturally pest resistant. If you're growing tomatoes, look for letters VFTNA after the selection name. This tells you your plants resist the most common tomato diseases. To locate other resistant plants, consult The New Southern Living Garden Book, edited by yours truly.

He likely has no idea. In fact, he’s probably waiting for you to make the first move. If that’s the case, have some fun with him by tying a cow to your birdbath.

Wet foliage encourages disease. Exceptions are plants that like damp conditions, such as ferns and moss. And don’t use lawn sprinklers to water your garden beds. The right amount of water for grass is seldom the same as that for flowers, trees, and shrubs. Water these with a hose.

Wet foliage encourages disease. Exceptions are plants that like damp conditions, such as ferns and moss. And don't use lawn sprinklers to water your garden beds. The right amount of water for grass is seldom the same as that for flowers, trees, and shrubs. Water these with a hose.

The roots will be smothered, and the tree will croak. If you want to cover roots to level the ground, use something light that lets the air through, such as pine straw or bark mulch.

They’ll probably fall down on something precious, like your Big Green Egg or your house. Take preemptive action now.

Start with the ones you can grow by simply scattering their seeds on bare soil and watering. Sow columbines, zinnias, mariigolds, cosmos, sunflowers, and bachelor's buttons in spring for summer blooms. Sow poppies, sweet Williams, money plants, and larkspurs in fall for spring blooms.

Yes, I know you just loved climbing the mimosa trees in Grandma's yard. The sweet flowers were so pretty. But did you have to pull up thousands of its seedlings or gaze at a tree that was so ugly in winter it belonged on Mount Doom? No.

This way, you can Google the product’s name so you know what the potential hazards are.

Run them over with a mulching mower. The ground-up particles will filter down to the soil, enrich it, and attract earthworms. Or bag the chopped leaves and use them to mulch your planting beds. They look great and stay put.

It's because they're very easy herbs to grow. They also could have mentioned basil, chives, oregano, and dill, but that probably would have messed up the song.

Spray-paint the old, brown flowers blue or pink. But not orange. That's tacky.

Try “That’s really something!” or “I’ve never seen that before!” or “Who would have thought of that?” Never say, “Bless your heart.” If you do, they’ll know you think it’s ugly.

Some of the weediest plants around, such as Virginia creeper, hackberry, silver maple, trumpet creeper, and river oats, are natives that will take over. Choose the right plant for the spot, no matter its origin.

The key is to make it three times as wide. Use the excavated soil to fill in around the roots. Then water thoroughly, mulch over the top, and enjoy an adult beverage.

It will look like an asteroid struck your yard. Not to mention, the last time I set fire to my dormant lawn, I nearly burned down my garage.

Fix this by slowly pouring water containing a drop or two of liquid detergent into it and stirring with a stick or spoon. It will absorb water from then on.

He’s too short to see over the steering wheel and usually runs over the flowers.

You can get it at most garden centers. NATRIA Disease Control is a safe biofungicide that smells a little funky but does a great job on black spot, mildew, and other leaf diseases.

By missing out on my posts at southernliving.com, they’re like people who pass up a breakfast beer. The full richness of life eludes them.