Given her flair for entertaining, a royal birthday party should be a cakewalk.
prince george frowning
Given her flair for entertaining, a royal birthday party should be a cakewalk.
| Credit: Mark Cuthbert/Getty

Ever since Mama heard that Prince George is about to turn 4, she hasn't been quite the same. "Do you realize they gave that poor child a tea party last year?" she cried. "Bless their hearts, they didn't even have a proper theme with color-coordinated paper products."

We tried telling Mama that you don't need paper products when you own enough Stourbridge crystal to fill three Dillard's stores, and your fine china is older than America. But she was having none of it.

Granted, a Southern mama knows plenty about throwing a bash. "If ONLY they would let me plan Prince George's birthday!" Mama says. "Kate and William just need one good example to follow, and then they could handle it from here on out, but right now, they're just as lost as a goose!"

As frightening as it might be to contemplate, we had to wonder—what if Mama really were in charge of Prince George's birthday? What kind of party ideas might she have? More important, what would her to-do list look like? We think we know her well enough to venture a guess:

Secure and review guest list.

Need to ensure that all the right children are invited. (Some of those peripheral cousins we saw at the wedding looked like they might be the type to hog the party favors.)

Choose theme.

Certainly none of that Emoji nonsense. Maybe Pete the Cat? Could go royal, with crowns and jewels for party favors. (Next level thought: Crown jewels for party favors. That's something even the Charleston Junior League couldn't pull off.)

Note to Self: Royal theme would require giving the children carriage rides. Be sure to ask Kate where Queen Elizabeth rents hers.

Alternative Theme Idea: Wild, Wild West

Call cousin in Laredo to secure Stetson, boots, and chaps for precious George and little Charlotte. With their money, the royals could spring for one of those little mechanical ponies like we used to ride outside the dime store. (No real horses on the lawn. We all know what they'll do there.)

Speaking of the lawn, how much yard space do we have to work with at Kensington Palace? Email Kate for specs.

Arrange A Backup Plan

Find out if there's enough room in the house to take the party inside if it rains. If not, locate a Party City in London and price tent rental. Also, rent bouncy house for 100. (Next level thought: Hide and seek in Buckingham Palace. Winner gets a Corgi.)

Don't Forget To Monogram

Remind Kate to choose George's party outfit well in advance so that she'll have time to get his knickers, blazer, hat, and perhaps the cuffs on his little shirt properly monogrammed. (Surely Charlotte's monograms are a given.)

Plan The Menu

Place advance order at Chick-fil-A and Krispy Kreme; arrange for overseas shipping. Ask Kate if she would mind whipping up some pigs-in-a-blanket since those need to be made the day of.

And serve cake. Lots of cake.

Invite A WOW Guest

It would be lovely to have a special celebrity guest—a real hero type that all little boys would be excited to meet. (Next level thought: See if Kate and William have enough pull to get Peyton Manning over there. If they'll agree to put up a Papa John's banner by the driveway, you know he'd do it in a heartbeat)

WATCH: 10 Things Only Southern Mamas Know

Our favorite from that list of 10? "Hairspray is a Southern mom's Swiss army knife." Truer words were never spoken—right, ladies?