Things Southern Women Say When We're Shopping For Swimsuits
We want enough Lycra to give the Superdome an hourglass figure.
Oh, dear. We've had two sunny days in a row. It's time to think about (shrieks of horror!!!!) swimsuit shopping. Will it be a one piece? A two piece? Either way, it's the cover-up that truly matters because until we hit our Weight Watchers goal, it's not coming off.
We felt pretty sure that there were universal patterns to the way our Southern sisters face the three-way-mirror this time of year. So we polled our Facebook Brain Trust. Sure enough . . .
Here's what we're all saying when we gaze upon ourselves in the fitting room (with Mama or Aunt Sissy at our side for support):
"Oh, dear heaven, I've got to go on a DIET!!!"
"What is all of this, and where did it come from?"
"Funny, I don't feel this big."
"No words . . . None."
"Not gonna happen."
"When did I turn into Olive Oyl?"
"Oh my, look who came down from Mayberry to gaze back at me from the mirror: Aunt Bee."
"This is one harsh reality check."
"I really need to back away from the table."
"I look like I spread out everywhere."
"Next summer, I'll definitely fit into one of these."
"Sunscreen, check. Great book, check. Bathing dress, sigh, check."
BLAMING THE SUIT
"Have mercy, this one shows too much."
"Where's the rest of it?"
"Where are the suits for full-figured women?"
"Where are the suits for older women?"
"Where are the suits for women like me?"
"I'm not seeing the miracle in this suit."
"Where does this part go?"
"Somebody get me outta this thing!!"
"Surely the styles have changed. It can't be me."
"Y'all, are they makin' 'em smaller now or somethin'?"
"I will NEVER put on another one of these things."
BLAMING THE STORE
"What's the matter with this mirror?"
"What is this—a circus mirror???"
"Honey, y'all need to fix this lighting."
BLAMING THE CHILDREN
"I'm still trying to lose my baby weight. That reminds me, he's got soccer practice tonight."
"I got this from having twins. My excuses are now 24 years old."
"Bring back winter. Now."
"Maybe we should go snow skiing."
THE GREAT COVER-UP
"Show me the floor-length muumuus!"
"It needs a skirt—and a long one."
"I think I saw a rack of sarongs . . ."
"Dear Lord, is there a cover-up to match—and accessories?"
"Do you have a bigger wrap?"
"THIS is one size fits all?"
"It'll be okay. I'll just keep my cover-up on till I get in the pool, and then I'll leave it right by the ladder when I take it off. You kids remember to do some diversionary cannon balls when Mama gives you the signal."
WATCH: 10 Signs You're Turning Into Your Southern Mama
Girl, forget skinny jeans. Mama's taking me shopping for a Miraclesuit and an entire wardrobe of Spanx. Also, we both need more casserole dishes.