They’re too pretty to eat, but I will anyway.
You know that Grumpy loves hydrangeas. He loves planting them, growing them, cutting them, gazing worshipfully at them, and telling you why you should also. But he has never wanted to eat them – until now.
Just look at that photo. “Hydrangea Cakes!” No, they don’t contain any actual hydrangea parts, which is good, as consuming massive amounts of real hydrangeas could be toxic. These confections from heaven contain nothing but good stuff, such as lots and lots of sugar and butter and sugar and eggs and sugar and flour and sugar and vanilla extract and sugar.
Stop that! Stop licking your screen! You can’t taste the picture! Don’t focus on it too long either. Doing so results in a soggy shirt from all the drool and could also send you into a diabetic coma.
WATCH: How To Ice A Naked Cake
Hydrangea cakes are the brainchild of Elizabeth LaBau, pastry chef and author of the popular food blog and website, SugarHero. She specializes in creating beautiful, colorful, and delicious baked desserts that you would trade your left arm for (but forget it, she doesn’t want any more arms). Given that her very existence celebrates sugar, I expected she’d been featured on “My 600-Lb Life.” However, upon checking her photos on SugarHero’s Facebook page, I happily discovered that she’s normal-sized, attractive, and able to run and jump. Sugar makes you want to run and jump.
Elizabeth assures us hydrangea cakes are so easy to make even her husband can do it. Well, goody-good for him. I can’t, because I don’t like to follow recipes, especially those with multiple ingredients and steps. I prefer to toss any three nearby edibles into a pot, stick it in the oven, and hope for the best. Yet Grumpy knows that thousands of you reading this now are eager to test your mettle and elevate your blood glucose to dangerous levels. So for a list of ingredients, step-by-step instructions, and a video of Elizabeth making the cakes, just click here.
I would like to offer some observations on the entire process, though, from a purely Grumpy perspective.
- The total prep and bake time for making hydrangea cakes is 2 hours and 35 minutes or about three quarters of a football game. Therefore, it is imperative that your kitchen have a widescreen.
- The frosting for the cakes relies on a substance called “buttercream.” I’m not sure what this is, but it must be mostly butter and cream. It’s probably the same as buttermilk, so that’s what I’ll bring home from the store.
- To create the hydrangea blooms for the cakes requires the use of a “piping bag.” I don’t know why, as pipe tobacco isn’t listed as an ingredient.
- The colors for the hydrangea cakes come from “gel food coloring.” I believe this is the same stuff my older brother, Ed, uses on his hair to look younger and will ask the next time I see him.
OK, faithful readers, I’ve done my part. Now I pass the torch to you. Please make thousands of hydrangea cakes and deliver them to my door for Super Bowl Sunday. They’ll go just perfectly with the beer and hot wings.