In her day, apps were served before dinner, and toothpicks were involved.

woman using phone
In her day, they were served before dinner, and toothpicks were involved.
| Credit: FPG/Getty Images

Since my Southern Mama has decided she might want to upgrade her trusty flip phone to an iPhone, I thought it might be fun to introduce her to some apps so she could appreciate the versatility of all the new technology she'll have at her fingertips. I thought wrong. On the upside, I learned something. Almost anytime you try to tell Mama how to use apps or how to use iPhone . . . you sound like your biscuit might not be completely buttered.


I Said: You can take pictures of yourself and add all kinds of fun stuff to them, like smiley faces or dog ears, and then send them to your friends.

Mama Said: Who in their right mind would want to do that?


I Said: This one also lets you send pictures to your friends, along with little photo captions. People can follow you, and you can follow them.

Mama Said: Well, if I'm following them, and they're following me, where exactly are we going? And before you even think about changing the subject, do you mean to tell me that you've been going around following perfect strangers and encouraging them to follow you? I raised you better than that.


I Said: Okay, this one won't interest you, but just so you know—it's a dating app that encourages female empowerment. You look at pictures of possible dates and swipe right if you're interested or left if you're not. Men and women can both swipe, but then we women decide whether the men get to talk to us.

Mama Said: Honey, this is the South—our women have ALWAYS decided whether the men get to talk to us.


I Said: This is one you'll love. It collects your photos and posts from social media, so if you want to know what you were doing on this day a year ago—boom!—there it is.

Mama Said: Why would I need to know what I was doing on this day a year ago? Am I testifying in a court of law?


I Said: This one rocks! You can book flights from your phone AND it tells you when to buy. So, for example, if you're about to buy a ticket to Savannah, and Hopper thinks you can get it cheaper later, it will tell you to wait.

Mama Said: It'll be a cold day in you-know-where when I let a phone tell me when I can and can't get on an airplane.


I Said: Now, I KNOW you'll like this one. It lets you create your own chat groups so you can send group texts super easy.

Mama Said: Sweetheart, if I want to reach a group, I don't use my phone—I use your Aunt Sissy. She can spread news faster than CBS.


I Said: This one is the ultimate takeout. From your phone, you can choose from oodles of local restaurants, order whatever you want, pay for it, and have it delivered.

Mama Said: Now that I like.

I Said: Um . . . they don't have it here yet.

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