Things Only Southerners Say When It Snows

Let's own this—we lose our minds when it snows in the Deep South. Snow in Tennessee, snow in North Carolina—snow just about anywhere north of Alabama—is not such a big deal. The snowier Upper South is better prepared. As for the rest of us, we're stampeding "The Pig," snatching up every loaf of bread and the last gallon of milk.

Most snow predictions don't pan out, so we must invent new sandwiches to use up all that bread before it gets stale—plus, your cat puts on a few extra pounds from lapping up the excess milk. (If you've never seen a Southern cat lay paw to snow for the first time, your life is incomplete.)

In our defense, we're not entirely irrational. We just want to be prepared for even a flake. Snow in the South tends to be a feast or famine proposition—either none or a blizzard that shuts everything down for a week. Every Southerner who is old enough to remember "Winter Storm of 93"—which hit in March, mind you—still makes people shivers at the thought of it. We remember the ice that snapped the power lines, rendering our electric heat and stoves useless. We recall the road closings, with no snow plows in sight and endless days without television.

Our children do not own sleds. We have no snow shovels. And so, our commentary during heavy snow differs from people accustomed to yearly snowfalls. Since snowstorms, or the change of snowfall, is an unlikely occurrence, we tend to repeat ourselves by saying the same things every year.

What Bubba Says

• Everybody else is buyin' milk and bread; I'm buyin' beer and charcoal.

What Papa Says

• Whose turn is it to shovel the drive?
• It's really coming down out there. (While standing on the porch bundled in a million layers, or while sipping his coffee mug and peering out the windows.)

What Mama Says

• Quick! Turn up the radio—they're calling out school closings!
• Three layers is not enough. Go back upstairs and grab another jacket this instant.
• Fine, but don't come crying to me when you're cold.
• We don't have any sleds. Here, take one of my plastic serving platters that should do the job.
• Don't eat the snow! I didn't pick up after the dog last night.
• Oh Lord, the power's out. I just hope my casserole doesn't turn.
• It looks like the neighbors have power. Do you think they'd let me plug in my crock pot?

What Everyone Says

• Have we got plenty of [insert your beverage of choice here]?
• Before this happens again, I'm buying a generator.
• Pray that the pipes don't freeze!
• You better believe we'll be the first ones in line when the Cracker Barrel opens back up.
• I've got a 4-wheel drive, so it won't slow me down if the roads ice over.
• Did you call the power company?
• Have you heard from the power company?
• Hallelujah, there's a power company truck outside.
• Let's have a word of prayer for the guys from the power company.
• They say the food in the freezer will keep for two days if we don't open the door.
• I wonder if we could use the Chevy engine for a stove and make gumbo out of deer steaks, frozen peas, and bacon?
• If we don't get heat pretty soon, we're booking a room at the Hampton.
• Zip up your heavy coat and put on your hunting boots—we're hiking down the road to check on Memaw.
• There's a reason we live in the South. We're not built for this.
• The weatherman lied. This is more than a cold snap.
• This is well past hog-killing weather.
• It's cold as all get out.