From The Squeezer patrolling the produce bins to The Check Writer holding up the express lane, you’ll spot them all at The Pig.
Sure, you head to your local Piggly Wiggly grocery store to shop, but we’d bet Mama's Christmas china that you’re also in it for the people-watching opportunities. Recently, we asked our Facebook Brain Trust what kinds of shoppers you’re most likely to see at The Pig. Here’s what they said—tell us what we missed:
1. The Squeezer
She never met a tomato or a loaf of bread she couldn’t get into her clutches for that all-important freshness squeeze.
2. The Calculator
You’ll never catch her spending a penny more than she absolutely has to, hence the iPhone calculator she’s using to compare the price-per-ounce of one big can of Busch’s Original versus three small cans.
3. Memaw Top Shelf
There’s always that one little old lady (bless her heart) who’s five feet tall in heels and needs lots of items from the top shelf. Not to worry. She has mastered the “reach-for-the-skies-on-tippy-toes stretch” that always brings a tall stock clerk to her aid.
4. The Cheater
She KNOWS she has more than 10 items in that buggy, and yet there she is, clogging up the express lane.
5. The Church Police
With a raised, accusatory eyebrow, she'll stop her pastor, innocently shopping for his dairy products, and tell him she missed seeing him in church last Sunday . . . Then she'll remember that she’s the one who wasn’t there.
6. Lucy the Label Reader
Cut her some slack, people. She’s an exhausted mom who left Dad in charge at naptime and slipped off to The Pig, taking her sweet time reading every label just to enjoy being alone for a little while. Most of the time, she's . . .
7. The Chauffeur
With three kids in the buggy, there’s barely enough room for the Cheerios.
8.The SEC Speed Demon
Wild-eyed, he darts through the store, reaching over fellow shoppers and mumbling “scuse me, scuse me, scuse me” as if he’s en route to a fire. You’ll see him every Saturday during football season, about an hour before kickoff. He's usually buying beer and charcoal.
9.The Camo Brothers
They’re decked out in camo overalls, camo T-shirts, camo ballcaps . . . and they’re usually buying beer and charcoal.
10. The Novice Cook
She latches onto the first gray-haired woman she spots and quizzes her about the purpose of, and substitute for, every spice on the shelf. And her first cousin . . .
11. Eula You-Look-Like-You-Work-Here
“Honey, can you tell me where to find the hush puppy mix? I’m beginning to think they hid it just to get my goat.”
12. Susie SmartPhone
She could get her groceries out of her cart and onto that conveyor belt ever so much faster if she would JUST PUT DOWN THAT PHONE!!
13. The Newbie Shopper
He’s a teenager, FaceTiming his mom to make sure he’s getting the right laundry detergent.
14. Pepaw Bossy Pants
He recently retired and has never bought groceries in his life, and yet there he is on aisle 7, trying to convince his wife that she should do it his way. Wonder what she plans to do with that broom she’s reaching for?
15. Bubba the Nibbler
He’ll eat that whole bag of pork rinds or peanuts before he even pays for them.
16. The Complainer
She always wants to see the manager because . . . well, she’ll think of something: “You’ve only got two lines open, and I’ve got something on the stove at home!”
17. The Scrutinizer
Before she takes her buggy in hand and moves on down the line, she must study the entire receipt, reviewing every single item to make sure she got the BOGO on Wickles, the dollar off Blue Bell, and the 2-for-1 on Dale's.
18. The Deli Diva
Honey, we KNOW you’re having the Junior League over for a wine and cheese because you said so every time you requested a sample of the 15 Cheddars, Bries, Goudas, and Roqueforts you just had to taste before making your purchase decisions. But can the rest of us please order our ham and Swiss before our toddlers are in college?
19. The Check Writer
She has perfect penmanship, slowly looping and dotting, and she takes time to neatly print her driver’s license number and phone number on her check. She stubs her check before reaching into her meticulously organized wallet and taking out a slim calculator to compute and record her bank balance. Now it's time to carefully tear out her check so that there are no jagged edges and hand it to the cashier. Just as the Millennials standing behind her throw their avocados into the air and run screaming from the store, she returns her wallet and checkbook to their designated spaces in her purse, accepts and reviews her receipt (see: The Scrutinizer), and asks whether the store sells stamps. If so, might she purchase some for her sister? Those will need to go on a separate bill of course . . .
20. The Coupon Queen
She will not hesitate to make everybody in line wait 15 minutes while she searches her wallet for that 10-cents-off-Duke’s-mayo coupon.
21. The Inquisitor
By the time she's finished asking the seafood guy if the fish is fresh, wild, healthy, sustainable, local, and aesthetically pleasing on a serving platter. . . you could drive down to Florida and catch her a well-adjusted snapper.
WATCH: The Best Thing At IKEA Is $1.29
What's not to love? It's roomy and flexible, easy to store, suitable for all kinds of tasks, and super-cheap. Next time you're in IKEA, pick up a few for us.