Ever Seen Something Outrageous Happen in a Southern Church?
You'd think Southerners would be more restrained within the sacred confines of the meetin' house. But no. We're quirky there, too.
If you've ever had friends or family from Up North attend Sunday Services with you down here, you've probably seen it—that sort of stunned facial expression that says, "This can't be real."
You'll see it when that senior deacon, called on to pray during the church service, asks God to bless "Sister Claypool in room 304, patient of Dr. Brown, down at Brookwood Medical Center" because he wants to make sure the Almighty knows where to find the ailing member of His flock. Or when the "special music" is a guy playing a handsaw. Or when a small community church has to take a secret ballot to choose the color of the new carpet because it's such a controversial issue.
We reached out to our Facebook brain trust for more funny church stories. Can you top them?
Smackdowns in the Sanctuary
"A classic article from my hometown paper carried the headline ‘Ruckus at Wedding.' The incident involved some head-smacking and hair-pulling—and the ladies involved were related to each other."
"One Sunday morning, two brothers who were trying to earn their God & Country Boy Scout badges marched in carrying the American flag and the Christian flag. At the altar, one boy got upset with the other and punched him across the jaw. Chaos ensued. Mama dragged them both back down the aisle by their ears."
Burying Our Dead
"I sang at a funeral one time, and when I walked up to the casket to pay my last respects, there was a portrait of the deceased, sitting in a bathtub, surrounded by bubbles up to her cleavage, and she was posed, smiling with a shower cap covering her curlers. It was a closed-casket ceremony . . ."
When We Said Anyone Can Change, This Isn't What We Meant
"A relative of mine, upon being passed the collection plate, put in 4 quarters and took out a dollar."
Critters On The Loose
"I arrived at church to see my pastor husband with a broom in his hand. I thought it was an object lesson for the sermon. Oh no, he was just running a snake out of the church!
"I remember one Sunday a bat got loose in the sanctuary, and it was distracting everyone. One of our awesome deacons, very solemn and courtly, took a fishing net to the balcony, where he quickly and quietly swooped the bat into the net and took it outside."
We Sometimes Struggle With Ceremony
"I was sitting at Communion next to a young boy—about 4—and the bread was passed along the aisle. He had obviously done this before because he leaned over to his mom and loudly whispered, "When are they going to bring the drinks?"
When Wigs Go To Flyin'
"We had a visiting youth choir singing at our church. During one of the songs, the choir went out into the audience to greet and shake hands with the congregation. One unfortunate youngster got too close as he passed over a longtime church member, knocking her wig right off her head and into the lap of the very surprised congregant directly behind her. Completely unfazed by the incident, the now wigless sister simply turned around, retrieved the wig, and secured it back on her head— smiling all the while."
Protecting Our Real Estate
"I went to a midday school program for my niece and nephew at a downtown church, and a sweet but firm tiny blue-haired lady said, ‘Dear this is my pew . . .'"
"An older Southern lady sat next to us in our regular balcony seats, and when someone joined the church at the end of the service, she whispered, ‘If people keep joining the church, we're not going to have anywhere to sit.' Protective of her real estate in the pew! But probably not the attitude the Good Lord intended when He gave the Great Commission. LOL"
Want a few more laughs? Take a look!
Southern funny lady Chonda Pierce, aka "the queen of clean," can make you laugh with no Mama-wouldn't-approve guilt afterward.