Are 'Yes, Ma'am' And 'No, Sir' Things Of The Past?

Every time we get off a plane in Memphis (where I grew up) coming from New York (where we live), I tell my two oldest children the same thing: "Turn on your Memphis manners."

When they were younger, it was my shorthand for: Look adults in the eye when they speak to you; remember to say "please" and "thank you"; use a fork; and do not, under any circumstance, utter the word "pee" (my mother prefers "tinkle"). Now, as teenagers, their manners are consistently decent. When we change time zones, those manners can blessedly flick on like a switch and the kids start saying "ma'am" and "sir."

I admit that, for many years, I'd assumed I was asking my kids to say "ma'am" and "sir" for the benefit of my parents—who had certainly drilled the habit into me—and for their friends who stop by the house to see the grandkids when we visit. I didn't really think all of my 40-something friends were still yelling, "Yes, WHAT?" at their own kids a dozen times a day. My sister's three boys, who live in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, say it, and I occasionally hear a "ma'am" from an older child. (Maybe my friends' kids are too young to have picked up the habit?) I honestly thought it might be on the wane. (Wait, don't leave; I'm still firm on the vitality of table manners and thank-you notes.)

Do Parents Still Teach Kids To Say 'Ma'am' And 'Sir'?

I started asking around whether people were teaching it to their kids. There were solid yeses in Birmingham, Nashville, and Richmond. But my friends in Atlanta, New Orleans, and Washington, D.C., said it wasn't a big deal. One childhood friend in Memphis said it felt so oppressive being required to say it as a kid—plus, she believes there are plenty of people who are very polite and respectful without ever using formalities—so she's not raising her boys to say it.

Maybe you live in a community or go to a school that's socially diverse and saying "ma'am" and "sir" smacks of privilege or class distinction to you. (I've actually heard that more than once.) Maybe, like one of my friends admitted, you think it's fine to not teach it until your kids are around families who do, and then you start to feel inadequate. Or you wish they'd say it in public as some sort of salve for all the atrocities committed in the back seat on the way over.

(Isn't that all of us? How many times have I pleaded, "Please wear this collared shirt instead of the T-shirt you pulled out of the laundry hamper?" Because otherwise, what will people think?)

For others, being called "ma'am" or "sir" is a sharp reminder of one's age—and their lost youth. How many times have you heard someone say, "Don't call me 'sir'—that's my father," or something similar? And apparently, some feel like young people are using them as a way to sass back at their parents, adding "ma'am" and "sir" in mock politeness.

So Where Did 'Ma'am' And 'Sir' Come From?

Like pronouns, “ma’am” and “sir” can replace a noun—generally someone’s name—when addressing them. These terms are holdovers from European aristocracy. “Ma’am” was first used in English during the 1600s as a shortened form of “madam.” That, in turn, comes from the French word “madame,” which means “my lady.” In English, an unmarried young woman has traditionally been referred to as “miss”, which contributes to some women’s internal crisis about their age when folks start calling them “ma’am.” 

For men, the word “sir” is the masculine equivalent of “ma’am,” although it has been around much longer. It emerged during the 1200s as a shortened form of the word “sire.” Originally, “sir” was an honorific for knights and lower members of the British nobility. Over the centuries, it’s evolved into a respectful address for a “man of rank or position.” However, unlike “ma’am” or “miss,” there’s no alternate term, depending on a man’s age or marital status. 

Over the years, people began associating these terms less with the lords and ladies of feudal days of old and more as signs of respect, conventionally for those older or at a higher rank than you, like a grandmother or a boss. In the U.S., while still commonly used in the South and in the military, the terms can sometimes feel overly stuffy in other parts of the country.

Teaching Polite Alternatives

Here's where I stand: Manners are important. Children should respect adults and honor grandparents in a way that makes them feel loved. But so often, our motivation is our pride, not our child's character. If they appear polished, I'm doing a good job.

If you're reading this as a transplanted Southerner living in Los Angeles and are feeling conflicted because you aren't raising your kids with the exact same manners you had, don't. I'll argue that a clear "yes" (omitting the term) or "yes, Mom" (using a name instead) along with eye contact can work just as well. "Ma'am" and "sir" are special in the South, but of all the things I miss (free drink refills, mostly), that doesn't top the list. I'm curious about how other parents* feel.

*Not you, Mom. I already know exactly how you feel.