15 Signs You’re a Homesick Southerner
Don’t look now but your emergency Tabasco is leaking out of your purse.
Southerners are perfectly capable of living elsewhere . . . for a couple of hours. But then we get grumpy because there’s no Tony Chachere’s on the spice aisle, the nearest Cracker Barrel Is 200 miles away, and nobody understands why tea isn’t tea without ice and sugar.
If you’re a displaced Southerner, maybe you’re doing just fine. Then again, maybe not. With gratitude to our Facebook Brain Trust, here are 15 signs that you need some fried green tomato therapy (and tea—mercy, we feel strongly about that tea):
- You just went to Corky's online and ordered barbecue for 20—and you aren’t expecting company.
- You’ve always dreamed of a vacation out West, but now that you’re there, you’ve booked a hotel near a Cracker Barrel so you can get tea that’s sweet and cornbread that isn’t.
- You just found out there’s no Blue Bell where you are, so you’re packing.
- Your mom freezes a gallon of Milo’s and ships it to you on dry ice.
- When you travel outside the South, you make a point of requesting sweet tea at every single restaurant. You know they won’t have it, but you’re making a point.
- Last night, you dreamed about Publix fried chicken and never wanted to wake up.
- You buy a can of boiled peanuts and pretend you got them at a roadside stand on your way to the beach.
- Nobody understands you: “Could I have a little Duke’s for my burger? Is there a Milo's around here? Where do they keep the Grapico in this store? Do y’all sell Moon Pies?”
- You binge-watch Designing Women every weekend.
- You put little white Christmas lights in a Mason jar and pretend they’re lightning bugs.
- You pour peanuts into a bottle of Coke and the locals Up North look at you like you’re a few bricks shy of a load.
- “What do you mean y’all don’t serve fried okry in this café?” (Not to worry. You can probably order it online.)
- You make yourself a pineapple and mayo sandwich and dream of your childhood. (Want cheese on that?)
- You ask your Alabama mom to mail 20 pounds of grits to your new home in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
- You REFUSE to touch the salad because it is not congealed. Mama would be so proud.
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We hear tell y'all'ses youngest is fixin' to tie the knot with that nice boy she met down at the college. Is there anything to that? Who all's in the wedding?