10 Times We Wish We Had Clairee's Fiery Wit

"If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!"

STEEL MAGNOLIAS, Dolly Parton, Olympia Dukakis, 1989
Photo: Everett Collection

We rave about Truvy. Adore Shelby. Fantasize about whipping out Ouiser's one-liners. And we all need a M'Lynn. But every woman wishes she had a friend like Clairee. The cheerful, gossip-hound Clairee Belcher (played by Olympia Dukakis) is that Southern girlfriend we all know and yearn for when we just need a laugh and some weekend gossip. That friend we call when news just starts trickling through the local grapevine. Here, a few reminders of why the former mayor's widow had us worshipping the quicksand she walked on.

Clairee: "You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time."

Ouiser: "I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I could help myself."

Ouiser: "You are evil, and you must be destroyed."

Clairee: "Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could."

Clairee: "I've just been to the dedication of the new children¹s park."

Truvy: "Yeah, how did that go?"

Clairee: "Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous."

Truvy: "Was she hurt?"

Clairee: "I doubt it. She got hit in the head."

Clairee: "I'm just too colorful for words."

Truvy: "I kind of like hiring somebody with a past."

Clairee: "She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past."

Truvy: "Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past."

Clairee: "Well, you know what they say: if you don¹t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!"

Clairee: "I really do love football, but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."

Clairee: "I love ya more than my luggage."

Clairee: "Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on."

Truvy: "You are playin' hard to get!"

Clairee: "At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock."

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