90 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny
"Ugh, dad!" It's an inevitable response. What else can be expected in the face of something so horrible that it actually squeaks out a few chuckles? We've all heard them. They've been received with groans, eye rolls, moans, and begrudging laughs at the dinner table, in front of our friends, and (heaven forbid) in public.
Dad jokes are both beloved and despised—like corny puns, they're funny because they're so not funny. But what makes a dad joke different from a regular pun? The signature of a dad joke is that it's utterly uncool. Grandma may be the queen of nonsensical sayings, but Dad is certainly the king of cheesy jokes. And as much as we want the ground to swallow us up whenever he cracks one, we do love Dad anyway.
Embrace the Dad Joke
But dad jokes aren't just for dads, unfortunately (or fortunately). There's no better way to diffuse tension or create a comfortable, playful environment than with a corny joke, and these ironic and hilarious lines are great icebreakers for all ages. From dad jokes for kids to cheesy puns, straight-up dumb dad jokes, and so-terrible-they're-good one-liners, we've got something for every occasion, to the chagrin of your companions.
Not only are these jokes sure to lighten up a crowd, but we promise they're actually funny and guaranteed to earn some chuckles. Who knows? You might even beat dad at his own game at the Thanksgiving table when you're armed with these clever dad jokes. Add these brilliant one-liners and puns to your repertoire and you'll be on your way to matching dad's pun-king status in no time. Let the wild buffoonery begin, and may the best joke earn you a chortle and prize-winning eye-roll from your enthusiastic audience.
Short One-Liners
RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
A witch's vehicle goes brrroom brrroom!
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in until there are pancakes.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
Cheesy Puns
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Can February March? No, but April May!
How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dad Jokes for Kids
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
Why is it bad to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
What do you call a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me.
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Dumb Dad Jokes
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
I'm afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it's $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.