Ply us with enough petit fours and cheese straws, and we can say some outrageous stuff.

Between the oohing and ahing, we can say some outrageous stuff.
Constance Bannister Corp/Getty

When my editor found out that I had been invited to an upcoming baby shower, we decided it would be fun to write a story about the things Southern women say while those onesies and passies are getting unwrapped and admired. But then I went to the shower and sat next to a friend who has been to a LOT of baby showers—enough so that she has trouble oohing and ahing and making the girlie comments I had anticipated gathering. No, she got herself a piece of cake and a cup of punch, then sat down and made this pronouncement:

"I just love Swamp People. I'd go gator huntin' if I weren't too old."

Maybe talk of gator hunting violates the tenents of baby shower etiquette (but if you're wearing a really pretty shower dress and enough attitude, you can probably pull it off). Still, the reptilian discussion makes a good point: When the men skedaddle, Southern women let their hair down. Also, we love baby shower food, and the excitement generated by guilt-free sugar—it would be rude not to eat after the hostesses worked so hard—tends to loosen our tongues. We might say just about anything while that sweet young mom-to-be unwraps her gifts.

Again, we have reached out to our brain trust on Facebook to see what Southern women have been known to say while the baby loot piles up. Here's our hit parade—what did we miss?

Do we know if it's a boy or a girl?

Honey, you're carryin' low—you're havin' a boy!
Honey, you're carryin' high! I don't care what that doctor says, you're havin' a girl!

What's in a name?

Who are you naming her after—your mothers or grandmothers?
Who are you naming him after—your fathers or grandfathers?
You're calling him Hezikiah Beauregard? Well . . . bless your heart!
Is that a family name, honey?

Is she doubly blessed?

Are we sure you're not having twins, bless your heart?
Twins?! Boy, are YOU gonna have your hands full! (Suggested Reply from a Mama of Twins: "Better full than empty.")
Twins?! I'm glad YOU're having them instead of me. (Suggested Reply from a Mama of Twins: "So are they.")

How's Little Mama holdin' up?

You're just glowing!
How you feelin', bless your heart?
Had any trouble with morning sickness?
Sweetheart, you are ALL baby!
Heartburn just means that the baby'll come out with a head full of hair.

"Id'n" is Southern for "isn't"

Id'n that crib just beautiful?
Id'n that little outfit just darlin'?
Id'n that baby quilt sweet?
Id'n that bonnet just precious?
Well, now, id'n that different? (Translation: What in the Sam Hill is that?)

Pray for the baby shower hostesses

Oh, look! Bitsy made one of those tiered "cakes" outta Pampers! She is SO creative!
Heavens to Betsy, we're runnin' out o' butter mints!
I love this punch. It's not too sweet. (Oh, girl, remember that lime-green, foamy one from the 70s?)
Thank goodness the church invested in a punch bowl so we don't have to borrow Hazel's every time. She was startin' to get a little snippy about it.
Have y'all figured up how much my part is?

Got that nursery ready?

Have you picked out your theme?
Are you going with pink, blue, yellow, or green?
Do you have your crib yet?

Life after Baby

Have you picked out what you're wearing home from the hospital?
Have you picked out what the baby's wearing home from the hospital? You mean you aren't putting the crib in your bedroom
Who's your pediatrician going to be?
Is your Mama keepin' the baby when you go back to work?
You have NO idea how your life is about to change. It'll never—I mean NEVER—be the same again.
(Yikes, ladies, give Little Mama a break!)

Baby showers aren't the only special occasions that ramp up the Southern in us:

We don't care what anybody says. There's a place in this world for a bridal party as big as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Just as long as the bridesmaids have consistent updos, everything will work out.

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