Not that lawn rangers don't goof up themselves. In Brentwood, Tennessee, Joe Buffler used a new chemical to kill the Bermuda grass invading his fescue. The fescue died; the Bermuda did fine. In St. Augustine, Florida, Curt Zimmerman fertilized his grass with Milorganite, a product made from treated sewage sludge. The odor, recalls his wife, Cindy, "made the neighbors think we had an outhouse built on our property."

Such mishaps can result in a siege mentality, turning turf love into turf war. Glenn and Mary Clements built a home in Purvis, Mississippi. "We picked the right builder, the right colors, the right fabrics. We made but one fatal mistake," says Mary. "We did not pour cement over the entire yard. Instead, we planted grass."

Lawn care may stress out Glenn and Mary, but it relieves stress for Joe Buffler. This CPA blows off steam by cutting the lawn every chance he gets. Rumor has it that during tax time, he mows the grass every 45 seconds.

Wives are the most frequent victims of turf love. Many feel a little green monster has supplanted them in their husbands' hearts. "I know David takes great pride in his family and job," says Lynn Wistar of Reisterstown, Maryland, "but I'd hate to ask if his lawn comes first--I might not like the answer!" Diana Bosse of Loveland, Ohio, says this of her husband, Steve: "I tease him about the time he spends in the yard. In our early years of marriage, I told him the only way I could get him to pay any attention to me was to wear something from Victoria's Secret and strap myself to the John Deere."

Despite its heartbreaks, stresses, disasters, and strains, the quest for the perfect lawn has rewards too. "I'll never forget," remembers Andy Anderson (above right), "the time three little boys came by our yard. One knelt down, took his hand, and rubbed the grass. Then he looked at his little buddies and said, "See, I told you it was real!"