Grumpy's Crazy Christmas List

A dad who has everything? Grumpy has some gift ideas.

Steve Bender
The Weed Killing Steamer
Courtesy of Sky Mall

It’s Grumpy’s favorite time of the year! The holidays are fast approaching and you want to get Dad something great. And where will you find something great? Not from Sky Mall, but that’s where Grumpy looks each December for the most bizarre, ill-advised, and useless gifts to make Dad feel special. The following seven items are sure to do the trick.

The Weed Killing Steamer
Why let Dad maim himself with a chain saw like every other guy when he can do it with steam? The perfect tool for the environmentally conscious manly man who eschews chemicals, the electric Weed Killing Steamer heats 48 ounces of water to a scalding 300 degrees that’s unleashed through the wand onto unsuspecting dandelions, crabgrass, chickweed, and toes! As a bonus, the steam kills surrounding grass too, leaving brown spots all over your lawn that can’t be blamed on the dog. Only $296.95!

The Portable Indoor Natural Attractant Mosquito Trap

The Portable Indoor Natural Attractant Mosquito Trap
Courtesy of Sky Mall

It’s bad enough when skeeters are draining your body of blood outdoors, but indoors? No way! Yeah, yeah, I know that some dumbbells put screens in their windows to bugs out, but this trap is so rad! Its UV radiation reacts with the titanium dioxide coating inside to produce carbon dioxide that lures mosquitoes into the trap. Of course, with everyone in the house exhaling carbon dioxide too, how does the mosquito know which source to go to? Answer— the only things that also contain blood—you and your family. Only $77.55!

The Cordless Ultrasonic Rodent Repeller

The Cordless Ultrasonic Rodent Repeller
Courtesy of Sky Mall

No man wants mice, rats, and especially squirrels running through the house. That’s why Dad needs this high-tech device that projects ultrasonic frequencies inaudible to humans—so you can’t tell if it’s doing anything—that are so painful to rodents that they completely ignore it! Only $41.53!

The Giant Red King Crab Sculptural Chair

The Giant Red King Crab Sculptural Chair
Courtesy of Sky Mall

The perfect pool-side chair for the man who wants to make a statement. A statement like, “I’m sitting on the ugliest chair ever created that makes my yard look like a flea market!” Anatomically correct and cast from fiberglass reinforced resin, this beauty can be Dad’s for only $899.68!

Vintage Metal Fire Hydrant Statue
How many times have you heard Dad moan, “Why do we have to be only house on the block without a red fire hydrant in the yard?” A million times, I’m sure. Well, you now you can ameliorate his angst and embarrassment with a hydrant of his very own. The top of the hydrant opens to provide storage for toys, beer, and knickknacks, but given the proximity of Buster the bulldog, he may want to reconsider. Only $72.90!

Merino Ewe Life-Size Sheep Statues
From English Victorian estates to George Washington's Mount Vernon, wealthy landowners of the 18th and 19th centuries had sheep grazing on their expansive lawns to signify their wealth and social status. These delightful, life-size, quality designer resin statues—wonderfully hand-painted with tremendous detailing, from crimped wool coats to cloven hooves—will make Dad feel like an aristocrat too! Only $369.86!

Velociraptor Dinosaur Statue
Hey, forget about your Dad! I want one! I want one! This life-size, incredibly realistic Jurassic predator is so cool! Imagine hiding this guy among the bushes in the back yard and then telling the kids to play hide-and-go-seek! Yes, this savage, flesh-ripping beast is a bit pricey ($2,369.32) and makes quick work of your Merino ewe, but the years of nightmares and therapy that results from his discovery will be worth it!