Steve Bender

This incredible feat took me over a minute!

Many thousands of you grow snake plants (Sanseveria sp.), but only a smattering have seen one bloom. I know this because every time one does, its proud owner sends me a photo and asks, “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

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Well, yes. Yes, I have. My snake plant is blooming as I type. It always does this time of year. You must wonder what exhausting series of weird machinations Grumpy engages in to produce such a year-after-year, mind-blowing spectacle. Sit down, pour yourself a glass of wine, whilst I regale you with the intricate and laborious procedure.

Step 1. After overwintering my snake plant indoors (it’s semi-tropical and won’t take freezing temps), I move it outdoors to a partly sunny location outdoors after our last spring frost. This takes about 15 seconds.

Step 2. I feed it twice during the summer with Miracle-Gro. This takes about 30 seconds.

Step 3. I do not water it, because a snake plant outdoors doesn’t need anything more than rain to sustain it. However, because it is a succulent and stores water in its leaves, it does require a pot with a drainage hole and fast-draining potting soil. Given that, it can rain every practically every day on it with no problem. We’ve already received more than 50 inches of rain in central Alabama. This takes 0 seconds.

Step 4. Ignore it if you like. I do. This takes 0 seconds. The next time you notice it will probably be when it sends up a spike of creamy-white, tubular flowers. Put your plant on Facebook and call all your friends and neighbors.

Step 5. Take your snake plant back inside before your first autumn frost. This takes about 15 seconds. Repeat steps 1 through 5.