New Year's Resolutions Only Southerners Make

Of course, we want to lose 10 pounds like everybody else, but we’ve got some 2017 goals you don’t see just anywhere.

Valerie Fraser Luesse
Woman Working on Christmas List
George Marks/Stringer/Getty Images

What would it be like, we wonder, to come from anyplace besides the South? We can’t fathom it because Southerners have always marched to a different drummer than the rest of the planet, and we sort of like it that way. Even our New Year’s resolutions are a little different down here.

Sure, we do the weight thing like everybody else. Show me a Southern woman who doesn’t want to drop a dress size, and I’ll show you Faith Hill. Or Sandra Bullock. Or Reese Witherspoon. The rest of us are dodging those bathroom scales like an agitated rattlesnake till January 1. (And the numbers on that dial couldn’t scare us any more if an actual pit viper were coiled on top of them.)

That said, let us direct our attention to resolutions that aren’t quite so universal, the ones you just won’t encounter in New York or L.A. (By “L.A.,” we mean that little burg out in California, not Lower Alabama or the Great State of Louisiana.) Here we go:

1. I will routinely monitor my blood pressure during SEC games so that we don’t experience another “incident.”

2. In a related resolution, I will teach the family dog to howl whenever he hears my team’s fight song on TV.

3.I will faithfully “carry food” to the sick and the shut-ins.

4. I will relearn how to fry chicken and stop swinging by Publix on the way to every church fellowship. (Oh, who are we kidding? But it looks good on paper.)

5. I will clean out all my closets . . . so I can buy all new clothes.

6. (New Gardeners): I will learn to grow tomato plants.

7. (Experienced Gardeners): I will cut back to 40 tomato plants.

8. I will put my foot down about his toys (ATVs, bass boats, etc.). New rule: If he can’t hide it in the back yard, he can’t have it.

9. I will allow no taxidermy to enter our home. This includes 10-pointers and blue marlins. No exceptions.

10. I will invent a way to fry something new and unexpected—like red velvet cake. Or maybe Cool Whip.

11. I will buy no new handbags this year . . . unless I buy new shoes this year. What are odds?

12. I will learn to quilt like Memaw. Or I will buy a quilt that vaguely resembles one of Memaw’s. Now that I think about it, that sounds like the best way to go.

13. I will stop violating neighborhood codes regarding excessive decorations for major holidays. (No I won’t. I don’t even know what made me say that.)

14. I will stop buying $50 worth of Estee Lauder just to get that tube of petal-pink lipstick in the gift set. (But that shade would go with everything!!!!)

15. Actually, I will stop throwing away money on beauty products altogether. (Once I started shopping online, I built up enough Amazon points to get them for free for the rest of my natural life. I’ll probably have enough left over to leave some Aqua Net to Auburn when I die.)

What about you? Got some Southern resolutions of your own? Share them with us. Happy New Year!