Horoscopes For The Southern Belle, According To Mama

Mama has no formal astrological training—like that will stop her.

Valerie Fraser Luesse
Female architect making calculations
George Marks/Stringer/Getty Images

With one of the busiest seasons of the year approaching, we figure Southern women can use all the help they can get, so we’ve checked in with the latest astrological charts to see how the stars are aligning south of the Mason-Dixon. As we were in the thick of studying Capricorn’s Chinese analog and figuring out which house Aries is ruling these days, Mama came in. She suggested we put aside our astrological charts and study our Sunday School lessons if we really want direction in life. However, she has been on what she likes to call “a progressive kick” of late. And while she doesn’t anticipate that it will last, she agreed to keep an open mind, read our astrological profiles and horoscopes, and share her thoughts. Fasten your fish, Pisces—here comes Mama.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Profile: Can have opposite personality traits—shy and quiet or energetic and even aggressive; intellectual and imaginative.
Mama Says: Is it me or does anybody else hear “temperamental smarty pants?”

Horoscope: Try giving your always-in-high-gear brain a rest by hitting the gym for an intense workout; in other words, tap into the physical you.
Mama Says: Or you could clean your house. I promise scrubbing that kitchen floor will tap into the physical you.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Profile: Understanding, compassionate, gentle, artistic, intuitive.
Mama Says: I don’t hear “employable” in there anywhere . . .

Horoscope: Focus on experiencing intimate, trusting relationships; work on opening up and really taking a fearless leap with your partner.
Mama Says: Send a couple of kids to college—now THAT’s a fearless leap with your partner.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Profile: Eager, dynamic, boisterous; a competitive individual who likes to be first.
Mama Says: Two words: bossy pants.

Horoscope: You love to try new things but need to be more focused and finish what you start.
Mama Says: It’s called a to-do list.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Profile: Strong, dependable, stable, devoted; likes to be surrounded by beautiful things and creature comforts.
Mama Says: That reminds me—I need to stop at Orvis and get the poodle one of those monogrammed dog loungers. Lulu will just LOVE that!!

Horoscope: Break out of your rut with some new lipstick—or maybe a belly dancing class.
Mama Says: Lipstick, yes. Belly dancing, certainly not. I happen to be a Taurus, and there have been no public displays of this belly since 1972.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Profile: Outgoing and lots of fun; a little flirtatious; curious and adaptable.
Mama Says: Just how flirtatious? Are we talking Phi Mu or floozy?

Horoscope: Get away someplace special to reflect; get in touch with people, places, and things that have real meaning for you. Bring past into present; allow your interior and material worlds to meld and intertwine.
Mama Says: What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Profile: Determined and loyal; extremely sensitive and emotional; devoted to family; can be prone to mood swings.
Mama Says: Well, I can’t really fault her. Anybody covered up with family is bound to have to have some mood swings. Got a few of those myself.

Horoscope: Gain a fresh perspective by focus on others; listen to them instead of always expressing your own experience.
Mama Says: Apparently, somebody needs to get over herself.

LEO (July 23-August 22)
Profile: Dramatic personality with real magnetism; creative, generous, and passionate; a born leader.
Mama Says: That captures my youngest boy to a T! It’s like they’ve been spying on him!

Horoscope: Peel away all the superficial exteriors with a spa treatment, a facial, a body scrub, and a relaxing soak in the ocean.
Mama Says: So . . . clean yourself up?

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Profile: The most service-oriented of all the zodiac signs; loyal, hardworking, and kind.
Mama Says: My daughter’s a Virgo. You make her sound like a St. Bernard.

Horoscope: Break out of your usual spot behind the scenes and put yourself in the spotlight. Dye your hair purple!
Mama Says: Just cover the gray. That’s “wild side” enough.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
Profile: Diplomatic and fair; avoids conflict; hates to be alone.
Mama Says: Clingy, clingy, clingy.

Horoscope: Disrupt your normal routine. Attend a social event you considered skipping, and introduce yourself to everyone there. Try something new—like belly dancing!
Mama Says: Again with the belly dancing? Seriously? If you want to try something new, switch to pantyhose with a reinforced toe. We’re done with sandals till after Easter.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Profile: Cool on the outside, intense on the inside; decisive and assertive.
Mama Says: (Sigh) That reminds me of Robert Redford in The Way We Were . . .

Horoscope: Celebrate you! Go out on the town! Have decadent food at a swanky restaurant! Buy new lingerie!
Mama Says: Yep, that’s how I celebrate me, alright. I replace those Hanes briefs.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Profile: Generous; loves change; loves to travel; great sense of humor.
Mama Says: Sounds like somebody who might skip town with the rent money and giggle about it.

Horoscope: For once, don’t worry about planning everything in advance. Don’t cook, don’t clean, don’t schedule time to fold the laundry. Just let the beauty of spontaneous experience flow over you.
Mama Says: That works . . . unless your mother-in-law shows up.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
Profile: Serious-minded; traditional and professional; disciplined.
Mama Says: Sounds a little like Miss Jane on The Beverly Hillbillies. Or Emily Gilmore.

Horoscope: Kick up your heels! Stand on a street corner and sing “Shake It Off” to the top of your lungs! Take up belly dancing!!
Mama Says: Get hold of yourself. Do your singing in the church choir. And I don’t care if the moon is in the first house or the hen house—ENOUGH with the belly dancing. You might throw a hip out.